Dear John – 19 Feb 2017

My Dearest Ego,

I know if you’re reading this we are broken, beyond repair. Your second chances run out many years ago but like a gullible teenager, I was all in at my own expense with my only out card being the miracle card for which I held my breath and prayed. Turns out it was never on the deck. You held this in your own hands and denied it me whilst being witness to my turmoil and despair. I am unable now or in my foresight to contemplate forgiveness. I was cannon fodder for your impending self-destruction.

I love you deeply and know you love me unconditionally. Unfortunately, for fear of my own demise,  I can no longer reciprocate the unconditional part. There is greatness in you. You act selflessly in so many ways. You bring joy and wonderful insight to helping others but as the old saying goes ´those who can do, those who can´t teach´. You will never be accused of leading by example.

To watch you destroy yourself with tobacco, barely eating someday and gorging the next and substituting alcohol with coffee and caffeine baffled me. It makes me wonder if your sobriety is indeed progressed. How could I ever believe you care for me with such little regard and disdain for your own wellbeing?

Today we died. I can’t watch the man I love self-destructing and procrastinate endlessly about changes that never see the light of day. You told me that hitting rock bottom was necessary for your sobriety, my fear my dear ego, my wonderful spirited ego is that surviving rock bottom once is a blessing,  voluntarily heading there for a second time seems like reckless abandonment at best, having a death wish more likely. I never signed up for your cruel mind games. Part of me has already died for you. I want you to know that I resent what you have taken from me.

From this day forward I am never going to think of you again. I will, however, cherish the words you shared with me every single day, having with hindsight learned their true meaning. “Higher self, you are there and I am here. Clearly one of us is in the wrong place.”

I was a dumb captivated fool. You made everything look easy. You left me clues from the beginning. Your words were not to imply a sense of missing me. It was all merely a tug of war disguised easily with your brilliance. Now, I see that you are there and I am here and through death, we are exactly for the first time in as many in the right place.

RIP my dear Ego.

Lee Robert Ness

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