Past it? – 5th March 2017

Being in your prime is subjective. Oscar Wilde penned it best saying “Youth is wasted on the young”. The striking truth of this goes unnoticed until you reach a certain maturity with which comes the ability to reflect.

At 44 I am more confident, happier with my looks and more independent that I have ever been. I have lost my father, faced some serious problems with alcohol and had a partner of three years deceive me about his HIV status. Although challenging these experiences don´t define me. I´m better able to reflect, and this leaves me better placed than before going forward. As a 40 something single gay man, we fall into one of the following three categories.

The bitter club. Some characteristics being, berating Grinder users whose profiles have an upper age limit for example 25 – 39. Retaliating by sending messages to said users for dismissing us for the sake of a calendar year.  Suddenly becoming OK with paying rent boys having previously thought the idea repulsive. When indulging in this new vice, the transaction is disguised as a sheep in Wolves clothing where the consumer makes out they are helping out or befriending a younger guy who is struggling to make his way in life. It´s spun to friends as a befriending or mentoring act of philanthropy but inevitably ends up with an exchange of sexual favours, incidentally which never involves kissing or anything remotely sensual. Instead, a sexual act where the younger party does everything to avoid removing his clothes. Why? The protégé is not sexually attracted to the Guru and wants to expedite the act as quickly as humanly possible. The Guru realizes that kissing would open them up to the possibility of falling in love with an inappropriately aged candidate.  Though a member of the bitter club desperately seeks true love, they are frightened of the judgment of peers so bail.

(Yes they do care what people think) In summary, the general bitter club category unusually portrays himself as not wanting a relationship. They can come across as only looking for emotionless sexual encounters and often play up their promiscuous side. They are afraid or unaware how to open themselves up to love.  The often wear overly tight t-shirts and have a large collection of the Pet Shop Boys records and Prisoner Cell Block H on VHS. The also sometimes hang in groups and call each other Blanche, Sade or Madge. In Gay clubs around the world, they could often be seen gathering in flocks on dance-floors drawn by the opening two bars of ‘I’m coming up’ by Diana Ross. These are the gay Illuminati, and you will see younger homosexuals, beards and lesbians bewildered, having not yet achieved the level of rejection to qualify for what looks like a well rehearsed. Note, with the increasing number of Lesbian DJs this phenomenon is becoming in danger of disappearing completely.  Thankfully this still is prevalent in the bear and cub community so the general public can still experience this for the price of a can of Red Stripe. Please be respectful enough to look bewildered in you are a gay man under 40 or female and only present to witness the display.

The Optimist. These are the easier to spot. They often go under the radar, unnoticed in the wider general community. Unlike the bitter club, the optimist usually sports age appropriate clothing and nests comfortable in a family type home. They prefer less gregarious colours and often have pillows which solely have the purpose of decoration. They even have a special space in their wardrobes to store these pillows before going to bed. They prefer to stay in inviting friends to dinner, and although they still go to gay clubs, they usually reserve this wild side to Saturdays having spent the whole week building up to it. They often have many heterosexual friends and have become uncles to their offspring. They function well in society making great friends. Usually accomplished they become increasingly independent through age ironically making it more difficult to find a relationship. They are however open to the possibility and fantasize about having it all. They hoard a large collection of films including, Love Story, Beaches, and Terms of Endearment and have the original on VHS and a duplicate on DVD or Blue-ray. They inevitably and unashamedly listen to Bet Midler and rearrange their furniture a lot. In contrast to the Bitter club, their house is already prepared for life as a couple. They have the dog, two sofas, six chairs around the dining table and a full fridge. They also burn incense and buy a lot of spiritual books. They are open to the cosmic world delivering their perfect partner and have been preparing for the eventuality since birth. The will usually have had several medium term relationships behind them, and these will have failed not because of cheating but for excuses such as “We were in different places” or “We grew apart”. They do sometimes have casual sex, but often fall in love and are saddened by the morning after or the abrupt departure without breakfast. They feel guilty for giving out on the first night. They are also guilty of stalker texting post sex only to be ignored which in turn reinforces their belief that they should wait for the cosmos to deliver. Meantime, the read cover to cover ´The monk who sold his Ferrari´ highlighting the subliminal messages they interpret and implement there to improve their chances. The optimist also is attracted to Kitchen Gadgets and inevitably owns a high-end Juicer, having tried and failed to follow the ´Fat Sick and Nearly Death´ challenge. They also always have one if not more halogen ovens having been bought to cook low-fat chips. These appliances are always white and stored out of sight and never displayed as a sign of wealth on counter tops as would be the norm for heterosexual women of similar years. They don’t like to face their failings, and these appliances remind them of their failed attempts at change. The optimist usually is a comfort eater and tends to procrastinate about the need to shed the extra pounds he carries.

The Hybrid.  In short, it means they live in the present, have casual sex but at the same time open themselves up for something more fulfilling. This can be as a result of loneliness and usually is a result of living the previous two categories unsuccessfully and coming to the realization that it is time to try something else. The danger here is that you are of course open yourselves up to things that will never fulfil your romantic fantasy. The two are opposite poles of a magnet. Buying the complete back catalogue of Bet Midler doesn’t make you the Optimist nor does sporting a belly top a bottle of poppers and lying about your age on grinder make you the carefree bitter queen.

In conclusion, what it can do is open your eyes to the fact that we are all evolving and that if you don´t want me because I’m 40 and not 39 you’re a dick. If I don’t want you because of you like Bet Midler, I’m a dick and if you are waiting your whole life for some idyllic misconceived idea of couple bliss that makes you half a dick. It’s all good and well to have expectations, but like moving into a new house, it’s never your own until you live in it a while. I make a point of dating people who I might not have in the past because I was a little up my ass. So far it’s been a disaster but while in my Hybrid Phase I remain optimistic. If worst comes to worst, I´ll buy a tight t-shirt, pay a rent boy and ask him to dress up and lip sync to Bet Midler. This would fulfil all my needs in the interim with the exception of kissing, but I have learned that I need to be that flexible as not to miss my given cosmic rights.

The views expressed above are completely mine. It is not my intention to offend, but with the rise of leftist rhetoric, I am prepared to do so.

Lee Robert Ness

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1 Comment on "Past it? – 5th March 2017"

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Don Inkin

It’s true. I like the way you describe. Awesome!!!